I'm Back....

A little more than a year ago I returned home from my time discerning to become a religious sister. My transition to being back in the world, while on the surface, looked easy (I got a hair cut and my eyebrows waxed right after I got off the bus from Washington DC) inside my heart it has been a long and pain process of grieving.

The reasons I returned home are not important. But the way I felt inside is. I felt as if I had gone to marry Christ and He had decided He did not want to marry me. I felt rejected. And the worst part is I felt rejected by God. The ONE person whom had never let me down.

I have gone through all of the steps of grieving. Shock, guilt, anger...etc. My friends and family have been incredibly supportive. They have listened to me try to reconcile how Christ wouldn't want to marry me (I am kind of adorable after all). They have never stopped loving me...they were my Christ.

As I began to build my life back I learned to "fake it" for the sake of others. A handful of people knew how much I was struggling...that I was playing with fire when it came to my soul. I stopped going to Mass and Confession (which had been a daily and bi-weekly activity respectfully for the past year). I stopped PRAYING my Rosary which was the very thing that lead me to the Catholic church in the first place-funny enough though I never stopped carrying one in my pocket.

I found that I wasn't mad at the Church I was directly mad at God. He was the one person who could have changed the outcome of the whole experience. I yelled and screamed at Him while simultaneously begging Him to remove the pain I felt and hold me that way He had my entire life previous to this time. I wanted very much to throw my shoe at the tabernacle. Some people may have found my anger towards God shocking....but I saw at as confirmation that I really believe that He exists and has control over my life.

Through no work of my own but by the unconditional love and support of friends and family, my Christ(s) on Earth, I have found my way back into the arms of my loving Heavenly Father, His only begotten Son, and my most benevolent Mama Mary.

I look forward to Mass once again and end my day with my nightly Rosary. I am thankful for the never ending love that flows from the Mercy Seat of Christ and the Sacraments of the Catholic Church which heal my wounded soul. God is Love.