Confession

I have wanted to write on my blog more but I always worry about the content. Will people judge me if they really knew what went on inside my head?

Let's face it, I've probably ruined my chances of ever being President of the United States with my "drunk texts" and "drunk voicemails" alone (come on laugh...y'all know you like when you get a VM or text from me that makes no sense).

I kind of had an "ah-ha" moment this week about myself....and I since I am unsure if anyone actually reads what I write on here anyway, I figure this is a safe place to share this eureka moment....I mean, who wants to be President of the United States anyway?

I don't watch romance movies. There I said it.

On a good day I can handle a "rom com" such as "Fever Pitch" but even in that movie the main female character gets pegged in the forehead with a fly baseball. But movies such as "The Vow" or "Water for Elephants"? No flippin' way! Even when MizW and I saw "Hunger Games" last night I said to her, "they ruined a perfectly good thriller with young love"

Want to know the way to my heart? "Jarhead" "Hurt Locker" "Transformers" Bombs, guns, and medical trauma.

I believe my deep dislike of romance movies comes from fear of the unknown.

See, I've never been on an ACTUAL date or as one of my girlfriends calls it "courted" (you know, boy comes to door with flowers, girl comes down the stairs in beautiful dress, boy drives girl to restaurant for dinner, boy PAYS for dinner, boy drives girl home and ask if he can see her again even before she gets out of the car) or experienced romance, unless you count my prom date but he just picked me up and brought me home. Oh, and I once received yellow roses from a group of my male USMC friends for my birthday but I am pretty sure that does not count as romance either...

Just like sky diving or bungee jumping, I want to experience romance, go on a date etc...I want to be open to it. But when I think about letting my heart be vulnerable, I start to hyperventilate and my stomach hurts...like I want to throw up hurt.

I LOVE being a girl, don't get me wrong. I have party dresses and I like to wear them. As every southern girl should, I wear pearls, have monogrammed jewelry, and own a set of Vera Bradley luggage. But being swept of my feet like Scarlett in "Gone With the Wind"? I don't know what that's like and I'd be more comfortable shooting an RPG or experiencing what an exploding grenade is like.

I do know that I want and deserve someone who is not ashamed of his love for me...who would shout it from the roof tops (or twitter/Facebook/what ever is handy) that I am his. He would publicly profess to take care of me, to never hurt me, or leave me....does this sort of thing happen in real life? See why I don't watch romance movies? My imagination is already off and running.

Tonight, I thought about watching "Tuck Everlasting" but I couldn't bring myself to do it, so instead, I'm going to watch a bunch of hockey players beat the crap out of each other in "Miracle."

Until next time....

I Wish I Could Flip You The Bird

I have started and restarted this post probably 5 times over the last week trying to decide what to write about...I really wanted to write-I have lots on my mind these days.

I know that God made us all unique and special...the Word of God taught us that didn't it? I really struggle however with some of the character traits that God gave to me. Sometimes my cross gets so heavy that I wonder if God has forgotten me.

God gave me the gift to love. He also gave me this terrible naivety that because I am "good and honest" that everyone that comes into my life is "good and honest."

I open my heart to all that I come into contact with and love them as I hope God would want me to. When I ask someone how they are, I REALLY want to know how they are and I wonder if they feel loved and know they are loved. I was picked on a lot as a kid and had some really harsh things said to me repeatedly and the terrible thing about words is they are forever. I know how those words made me feel then, how they make me feel when they are said to me now, and I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy.

Sadly, this desire to love others has opened me up to a world of hurt. As someone once put it, I trust people with 120% of my heart and it goes down from there, when I should be trusting people with 30% of my heart and let them work up from there.

I wish I was tough like other people. I wish I had a wall a mile thick that people had to penetrate in order to earn my trust. I wish I could be selfish and think of myself first. I wish it didn't hurt when people say/do things that they promised they wouldn't do. I wish I could simply flip the world the bird and be on my way.

But I can't. Its who I am...It makes me the woman that can hold a baby with a disfigurement and see nothing but beauty. It makes me the woman who can hold the hands of the dying and know that soon they will be in paradise. It makes me the woman who would, without a doubt, walk away from the comfort of the US to serve the forgotten in a 3rd world country or join our military on a FOB as a civilian combat nurse.

Some days I just ask God to please make me different...tougher, stronger. Some days I ask God to send me an earthly protector who will see how God made me, embrace it, and protect it from being taken advantage of. And other days I ask God to protect me from those who will take advantage of the heart that He has given me...but mostly I ask Him to make me tougher and stronger.

If you are friends with me this will make sense...if not then this will be non-sense to you...either way, please be gentle with me. More than likely I love you in some capacity and long only for you to do the same in return.

Until next time...