I Wish I Could Flip You The Bird

I have started and restarted this post probably 5 times over the last week trying to decide what to write about...I really wanted to write-I have lots on my mind these days.

I know that God made us all unique and special...the Word of God taught us that didn't it? I really struggle however with some of the character traits that God gave to me. Sometimes my cross gets so heavy that I wonder if God has forgotten me.

God gave me the gift to love. He also gave me this terrible naivety that because I am "good and honest" that everyone that comes into my life is "good and honest."

I open my heart to all that I come into contact with and love them as I hope God would want me to. When I ask someone how they are, I REALLY want to know how they are and I wonder if they feel loved and know they are loved. I was picked on a lot as a kid and had some really harsh things said to me repeatedly and the terrible thing about words is they are forever. I know how those words made me feel then, how they make me feel when they are said to me now, and I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy.

Sadly, this desire to love others has opened me up to a world of hurt. As someone once put it, I trust people with 120% of my heart and it goes down from there, when I should be trusting people with 30% of my heart and let them work up from there.

I wish I was tough like other people. I wish I had a wall a mile thick that people had to penetrate in order to earn my trust. I wish I could be selfish and think of myself first. I wish it didn't hurt when people say/do things that they promised they wouldn't do. I wish I could simply flip the world the bird and be on my way.

But I can't. Its who I am...It makes me the woman that can hold a baby with a disfigurement and see nothing but beauty. It makes me the woman who can hold the hands of the dying and know that soon they will be in paradise. It makes me the woman who would, without a doubt, walk away from the comfort of the US to serve the forgotten in a 3rd world country or join our military on a FOB as a civilian combat nurse.

Some days I just ask God to please make me different...tougher, stronger. Some days I ask God to send me an earthly protector who will see how God made me, embrace it, and protect it from being taken advantage of. And other days I ask God to protect me from those who will take advantage of the heart that He has given me...but mostly I ask Him to make me tougher and stronger.

If you are friends with me this will make sense...if not then this will be non-sense to you...either way, please be gentle with me. More than likely I love you in some capacity and long only for you to do the same in return.

Until next time...